My Person – How to Date Like a Scientist
Showing Up for Love in Midlife
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” – Brené Brown
I met my partner Bruce online. He’s someone I love and admire and want to share my life with. But this story didn’t happen by accident, or by swiping endlessly on an app hoping for chemistry to strike.
I decided to approach dating differently this time. At 58, I wasn’t looking for casual encounters or fleeting sparks, I was looking for something deep, steady, and joyful. So I approached dating like a scientist: with curiosity, clear values, and a willingness to learn.
I signed up for Bumble on 23 January 2025. I took a five-day break in late March, then relaunched on 3 April. Two days later, on 5 April, I went on my first date with Bruce. Ten weeks of intentional effort on Bumble led me to the relationship I’d been waiting for.
Why Dating Feels Different After 50
Dating in midlife isn’t like dating in our twenties. We bring more life experience; careers, families, relationships that shaped us and often a clearer sense of what truly matters. At the same time, it can feel intimidating: apps, blended families, financial considerations and the pressure of time can make it overwhelming.
But here’s the gift of dating later in life: we know our values, and we don’t need to compromise them. We get to show up with clarity.
My Affirmation
Before I even opened the app, I wrote an affirmation:
“I am ready for a big love story in my life, and I’m letting go of anything in me that doesn’t resonate with love, healing, true compatibility, and deep intimacy.”
This set the tone. I wasn’t approaching dating from fear or scarcity. I was aligning with what I truly wanted.
My Values & Criteria
I also made a list of my top six values:
Love
Connection
Kindness
Playfulness
Trust
Respect
Then I clarified the qualities I wanted in another person:
Kindness
Consistency (words and actions aligned)
Intellectual curiosity
Financial stability
Sense of humour
Sexual compatibility
Adventure and courage
Emotional intelligence
Harmonious values
Strong communication skills
Shared outlook on life
Instead of keeping this list tucked away, I used it as a lens. After each interaction, I asked: Does this person bring out my values? Do they live their own?
How to Spot Green Flags
It’s easy to focus on red flags, but dating with intention also means noticing green ones. For me, that looked like:
Kindness: Do they treat others — especially in tough situations — with respect?
Consistency: Do their words match their actions over time?
Curiosity: Are they thoughtful and open-minded in conversation?
Financial soundness: How do they approach money and responsibility?
Humour: Do we laugh together?
Courage: Do they stand up for themselves and others?
Emotional intelligence: Can they listen, validate feelings, and self-reflect?
These qualities don’t always reveal themselves on date one but by observing, you start to see patterns.
Dating Like a Scientist
One of the best tools I discovered came from Logan Ury’s book How to Not Die Alone. She suggests approaching dating like a scientist - experiment, observe and reflect.
After each date, I asked myself eight questions:
What side of me did they bring out?
How did my body feel — relaxed or stiff?
Did I feel more energised or de-energised?
Was there something about them I felt curious about?
Did they make me laugh?
Did I feel heard?
Did I feel attractive in their presence?
Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
These questions shifted the focus away from “Do they like me?” to “How do I feel when I’m with them?” That one shift made dating clearer and kinder.
The Role of Play
Another lesson: don’t treat every date like a job interview. I wanted to bring playfulness into dating. That meant being a little goofy, suggesting fun activities, and remembering that laughter builds connection faster than a checklist.
When I felt safe, appreciated, and able to be my funny, playful self, that’s when I knew I was on the right track.
Meeting Bruce
On 5 April, I met Bruce for our first date. He ticked the boxes that mattered, but more importantly, I felt relaxed, seen, and genuinely curious about him. Seven months later, he’s become my partner, my best person, and proof that dating with intention works.
The relationship feels steady and joyful because it’s built on shared values, mutual respect, and play. And honestly it’s the healthiest love I’ve ever experienced.
Bruce is a family and relationship therapist who has his own practice, Balnarring Relationship Counselling, on the Mornington Peninsula. One of the gifts of being with him is learning how relationship triggers often connect back to our past patterns. By noticing them, talking them through, and choosing new ways of responding, we both continue to grow. It’s a steady, generous love built on curiosity, courage, and repair — and together, we’re excited to support others through our counselling programs and practices.
Lessons Learned
If you’re dating in midlife, here are three takeaways from my journey:
Know your values. Write them down. Use them as your compass.
Reflect after each date. Notice patterns, not just sparks.
Keep play alive. Love grows in laughter, not pressure.
Closing
Dating after 50, and beyond, isn’t about settling. It’s about showing up with courage, curiosity, and clarity — and trusting that the right person will see and honour your values.
If you’d like structured support on your journey, my Dating with Intention program blends these evidence-based tools with compassionate guidance. Together, we’ll explore your values, practice boundary scripts, and help you spot both the red and the green flags — so you can date with clarity and confidence.
If you’d like personalised support, book a free 15-minute call.